


growing pains

by Whyphi



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Growing Up, References to Depression, Teenagers, Underage Smoking, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-02
Updated: 2020-01-02
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:34:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22082695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whyphi/pseuds/Whyphi
Summary: In which Jisung is just at that age...
Relationships: Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin, Na Jaemin/Park Jisung
Comments: 2
Kudos: 51





	growing pains

**Author's Note:**

> TW// traces of depression and suicidal ideation.

Jisung knew he shouldn’t be doing this. The pen felt heavy as he lifted it to his lips: heavy with the guilt of falling short of expectations and longing for things out of his reach. The smoke burned as he inhaled it into his lungs, and upon being blown out, left him with the dry taste of burnt watermelon. He waited for the haze to set in.

  
Jaemin would be disappointed if he knew. Not disappointed at Jisung for smoking weed, but rather at Jisung for being reliant on weed as a way to feel okay. But really, what else was Jisung supposed to do? Most days don’t feel like they’re worth living anymore, and Jisung just doesn’t know how to cope. He just needs to not feel hopeless, even if it was just for a little bit.

  
Once upon a time, he never would have needed his pen. Why would he if Jaemin’s smile made him feel a thousand times more euphoric than smoking ever could? Why would he if his sorrows were shared and lessened by Jaemin? Why would he if everything he ever wanted still had a chance of being his?

  
But as Jisung’s learning, life rarely goes as planned, and even when it does, it never lives up to the expectations. Jisung takes another hit. No, Jaemin won’t be disappointed in him because, in order for him to be disappointed, he’d have to know what Jisung was up to. And Jaemin won’t because, in order for him to know what Jisung was up to, he’d have to care. And he doesn’t.

  
Jaemin’s happy with Jeno. Jaemin is thriving in college, with a stellar GPA and people that absolutely adore his every move. Jaemin has a loving boyfriend and a job lined up for him as soon as he graduates. Jaemin has Mark and Donghyuck and Renjun and Chenle and the rest of his friends that are so much more deserving of Jaemin than Jisung ever will be. There isn’t enough room in Jaemin’s life for Jisung. Jisung knows, and he’s accepted it.

  
It’s just that sometimes when he feels like he can’t breathe and he just wants to run until every single one of his muscles deteriorate, Jisung wants to pick up the phone and be met with the sound of Jaemin’s soothing voice asking if he’s alright instead of the cold robotic sound of the voicemail inbox. Sometimes when every single nerve in his body feels as if it’s on fire and his finger itches to pour gasoline on it all, Jisung just wants to hear from somebody that knows and understands him that it will turn out okay.

  
Being 18 is hard. He’s suddenly hit with responsibilities he feels far from prepared for, and everyone around him seems to be coping except for him. It’s all so overwhelming, and he feels like he’s forever in a state of drowning. He used to be able to float through dancing, but even that has lost its magic nowadays. Every time he stands in front of the mirror in the studio, he wants to punch the reflection staring back at him. His limbs feel stiff and heavy, and there’s an invisible barrier between his current state of dancing and his preferred state of dancing. He’s frustrated rather than relieved every time he enters a dance studio. It’s just all too difficult.

  
Jisung wants to cry, and he knows he’s not too far from it when he feels his eyes starting to water. He draws his knees as close as he can to his chest and buries his head in them. The only light in the room he occupied came from a plugged-in nightlight. The pounding music from the party occurring outside bled into the room. Jisung wishes he were one of the people out there. High, but instead of being sad, having the time of his life: not dwelling on a lost friendship and a love that will never be returned. He wishes that he wasn’t so sad all of the time. He wishes that music could flow through his body the way that it used to and that his pocket wasn’t always weighed down by a piece of metal. He wishes that he could be okay even when he wasn’t high. He wishes that life was kind and that dreams and passions never fizzled out to nothing. He wishes that there wasn’t so much pressure on his shoulders. He wishes that he was the adult that the birthdate on his driver’s license says he is.

  
Jisung needs another hit and so he takes another hit. Adult Jisung would be able to tell Jaemin how he feels. Adult Jisung would be able to talk to Jaemin about how much it hurt to be left behind and be able to move on after that conversation. Adult Jisung would be able to dance and have his veins burned by passion instead of the staggering indifference that plagues Jisung. Adult Jisung would be so much better than Jisung. Adult Jisung would be able to use mind-altering substances for the pure reason of having fun instead of ignoring emotions. Adult Jisung would have it all together. According to his driver’s license, Adult Jisung should have taken Jisung’s place two months ago. Jisung’s still waiting.

  
He squeezes his eyes as tight as he possibly can in an effort to stop himself from crying. But his efforts turn out to be failures as sobs start to wrack his body. He doesn’t know why he’s breaking down now. He doesn’t understand why he’s breaking on this night instead of the ones that had preceded it. He doesn’t know anything except for the fading music in the background and the sounds of his struggles culminating and making themselves evident.

  
For the first time in a while, he lets himself truly cry. Cry to the point where he almost wasn’t aware of the door to the room being opened. If it wasn’t for the thuds against the door and the sounds of stereotypical teenagers in love, he wouldn’t have realized that the peace of the room that he had taken sanctuary in was being destroyed. The bright light flooding into the room revealed two figures he dreaded seeing: Jaemin and Jeno.

  
Jaemin is too occupied by his activities with Jeno to notice Jisung’s presence, but Jeno makes eye contact with him: long enough for Jeno to notice the redness of Jisung’s eyes and the tear stains on his cheeks. Jeno quickly pulls Jaemin out of the room and shuts the door.

  
The room is dimly lit once more, and Jisung chases for more of the burnt watermelon taste before pursuing total darkness as he once again draws his knees close to him and hides. Though the tears fall again, he can’t bring himself to feel anything at all.

  
Jisung doesn't notice the door being opened and shut once again. He looks up in shock when he feels a warm presence next to him. Jaemin sits, a hesitant smile on his face, with one arm hooked around Jisung’s shoulders and one hand extended to Jisung.

  
“You know it’s not good to smoke so much right?”

**Author's Note:**

> Sometimes, when you're at that age, instead of needing a boyfriend, you just need a friend. 
> 
> note: I'm so sorry for making Jisung suffer in this, but for some reason, he was the only one that I could write about when it comes to this kind of topic. Growing up is kinda really hard, and I'm struggling a lot, and I somehow ended up writing this. Sorry that it's so rushed and messy. I just needed to write this down and get it out of my thoughts. Anyways, thanks for reading! :)


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